I think few people take the time to enjoy the fact that entire sentences can be created by just using the word "Buffalo" at least once. The most famous example was from William Rapaport, who concocted the phrase
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.Outstanding.
Last Friday crazy-like-a-fox bastard and generally silly English kuh-nig-it Dick C. Nick Branson announced that he's the un-ne'er-do-wellest to date. The Virgin Earth Challenge is Branson's newest philanthropic venture, promising what Sir Ricky B. is citing as an unparalleled recompense. The winner of this contest will be awarded $25 million for demonstrating, to the judges' satisfaction:
"a commercially viable design which results in the removal of anthropogenic, atmospheric greenhouse gases so as to contribute materially to the stability of Earth’s climate."There is a slight catch, once you can successfully please the panel of judges (including such smoldering sexpots as Al Gore, of Al Gore and the Funky Bunch, and James Lovelock, papa of the Gaia Theory, which is in no way affiliated with Captain Planet) then you're entitled to $5 million bucks, with the other $20m coming after the design successfully kicks greenhouse gases in the teeth for 10 consecutive years.
It's finally happened. All my dreams came to fruition when I managed to stumble on the first truly Y3K compliant device. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I spent Tuesday evening at a hockey game at Phillips arena. While there I heard the Stompin' Tom Connors "hit" The Hockey Song. For those of you unaware (i.e. virtually everyone outside of Canada) Stompin' Tom is a country/folk singer who is fiercely jingoistic when it comes to the Canadian music industry...I dunno, whatever floats your boat I guess. Anywho, this song, a real Stompin' Tom classic, is sort of the hockey equivalent of Take Me Out to the Ball Game, but nowhere near as popular...or even as good. I guess it reminds me of a poor man's version of Big Rock Candy Mountain, but about hockey instead of fanciful tongue-in-cheek hobo gambolings.
Upon doing a little research into the song and its auteur, I came across this gem of an invention. Now I must say, if there is anything appreciated here at "the ung" more than irony, it's innovation. From Eli Whitney's cotton gin to Brad Neely's Wizard People, Dear Readers...well you get the point. But let me just say this friend, Stompin' Tom, Canada's favorite euphoniously militant son, has managed to transcend his trubadorian status and donned the cap of a true Renaissance man.
rock.
m$
So, as previously posted, NASA's got plans to build a big fat moon shack in the next score, not to be confused with a baker’s score. In the spirit of this I did a bunch of "research" (booze + typing = research) relating to the topic of moon life & lunar bases. But then I was interrupted by life and had to back-burner my little foray into interstellar hogwash. Well, daddy caught a break and penciled a little time into his date book for stupidity. In the words of Neil Innes, “Ladies and gentlemen I’ve suffered for my art long enough, now it’s your turn.”
So, as many people know, this recent plan for lunar denizenry is far from the first. In fact the US has planned on getting to and utilizing the moon in more ways than should be legally allowed. Some plans have included using the moon as the ultimate military high ground (Betcha’ didn’t see that one comin’ Sun Tzu, you wacky bastard!), or detonating a nuke on the surface just for shits and giggles. Awesome. But the real question that NASA and the global space community needs to be asking themselves is are we going to be arriving on an empty rock?
While it may be a satellite of the Earth, is the moon really the Earth’s satellite? Or has it been annexed by another species, and if so does that make our astronauts illegal aliens? What about Dennis Hope, the man who laid claim to the moon in 1980 and has been selling property rights ever since. And is anyone prepared for the possibility of engaging with a contingent of space-Nazis (that’s right, space-Nazis)? Luckily this is slated to be an international effort, so we can hopefully muster up a little Allied reunion if need be.
Speaking of which, just how excited is the international community about this? Alain Berinstain, the Canadian Space Agency's director of planetary exploration and space astronomy (as opposed to the widely popular undersea astronomy) proudly declared "Why not!" when asked if a Canadian could take part in the international effort. Oh, Canada! People may not realize that the Ruskies had a few plans for a moon base in their bag of tricks…if only they could have figured out that whole landing on the moon thing. Apparently the Chinese have also considered going the whole moon base route, but it seems they’re a bit off of the time table of regular moon trips by 2005.
Anyway you slice it the moon is a crazy place that rouses curiosity, conviction, and conspiracy; but at least you can still get work there.Am I the only one who seems to think that it’s totally weird that Michael Vick used a little Aquafina "diversion safe" to transport some pot-scented fish food? I mean, don’t get me wrong, if the Miami-Dade police say he’s totally legal then who am I to argue. My only hope is that the NFL, and more importantly the Falcons decide to take some sort of serious recourse. Last time little Ronnie Mexico decided it was time for some off-field action he thought it prudent to brandish his dirty birds to the Georgia Domers and was hit with a total fine of $20,000 - 10 to the league and a mandated 10 to charity. Atlanta Hawks forward Josh Smith just got hit with a $25,000 fine for the same thing this past Saturday; a slightly larger fine on a guy with a substantially smaller salary. In fact this year Smith stands to make just under $1.5 million making the fine about a sixth of his salaried earnings. Vick stands to pull in a comparable amount ($1.4 million base salary) however he’s also earning an additional $7 million in bonuses this year. Suddenly it’s not such a big fine. Lesson learned? Apparently not. So now it’s time to see if fresh face Bobby P. can offer a little redirection to Atlanta’s favorite coach killer.
rock.
m$
Has it been seen and discussed before...yes. Do I care? No. Why? Because it's just effin' bad-ical. Vampire watermelons. If ever there were a reason to become a gypsy it's because of the concept of a vampire watermelon.
The belief in vampire fruit is similar to the belief that any inanimate object left outside during the night of a full moon will become a vampire. According to tradition, watermelons or any kind of pumpkin kept more than ten days or after Christmas will become a vampire, rolling around on the ground and growling to pester the living. People have little fear of the vampire pumpkins and melons because of the creatures' lack of teeth. One of the main indications that a pumpkin or melon is about to undergo a vampiric transformation (or has just completed one) is said to be the appearance of a drop of blood on its skin.That is an amazingly choice passage...select even. In fact, according to the Journal of the Gypsy Lore Society (now published as Romani Studies) this phenomenon happens in pumpkins as well and after the aforementioned 10-day grace period and vampirism is attained "then the gathered pumpkins stir all by themselves and make a sound like 'brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!' and begin to shake themselves."
Hey everybody, let's make Monday, January 15th really special by honoring an amzing person who has made such a profound impact on lives everywhere...Warren Beatty. Aww heck, let's just make the whole day about stroking actor egos...I just hope none of this Morton King festival stuff takes away from television's Golden Globe coverage!
rock.
m$
Holy crap it's been a while since I've gotten to pollute the internet machine with more nonsense. My choice in careers has led me to live a life of extreme busitude (that's like being really busy, but with a dash of sass) as of late. Anyway, the end result is me not getting to play on the internet for quite some time. Sadness. And with the recent holiday onslaught I've logged a heapin' helpin' of mid-air man hours. But never fear, faithful readers (all none of you) there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon! It would appear that Lady Luck, the fickle bitch-goddess taskmaster of life, has shifted her attitude for the latitude of my platitude. And just as sure as Don Knotts can save orphan gold, I can continue to provide "quality" infotainment to the world at large.
rock.
m$
Remember that movie Showtime and how everyone in the world watched it and loved it and said "Holy effin' crap, this movie was so amazingly good I wish that for once life would imitate art, but on a much grander and dumber scale so I could finally get a good night's sleep!"
Yeah, me neither.
rock.
m$
Holy effin' crap...we're building a moon base! That's right, in a very Georges Méliès-esque decision NASA has declared that it's time to go have a party on the moon because space shuttles are garbage and the whole program will be scrapped by 2010. Since that will mean newly available budgetary monies NASA was forced to decide whether they wanted to build an internationally cooperative solar-powered moon base or buy an assload of Post-It notes. They apparently went with the former.
This decision comes on the heels of Stephan Hawking's automated assertion that the human race needs to start building condos on other planets for fear of total planetary annihilation.
As of right now there is no definitive plan as to what the base will look like but they do have a location chosen (near the Shackleton Crater on the south pole of the moon) as well as a plan, which in typical NASA style involves jettisoning as much shit into space as possible and bringing the astronauts home in a thimble with a parachute strapped to it. This particular thimble is going to be built by Lockheed Martin.
Now our only concern should be the potential for moon monsters!
rock.
m$
Sometimes I find great humor in the subtleties of the English language. For example switching the word segments "necro" and "nepo" results in some delightful new words:
necrotism - patronage bestowed or favoritism shown toward the dead, as in business and politics.or
nepomancy - a method of divination through alleged communication with the family members.I could write about such nonsense for days, but that's probably why my only friend is a hand puppet...and we're not even on speaking terms right now! And with that he sighed ever so languidly.
Another bit of oddness from the folks at abcnews.com. Apparently a McDonald's employee was stripped naked and abused by her manager's fiancé while working an extra shift at the restaurant. The crazy part was that it was done at the behest of a man posing as a police officer over the telephone. Holy Stanley Milgram batman! The manager, a Miss Donna Summers (not the disco queen), made the claim "I honestly thought he was a police officer and what I was doing was the right thing," right before she purchased the famed Brooklyn Bridge. However, had she consulted the inordinately clairvoyant McEmployee Handbook she would have found this:Strip Search
Anyway, apparently the wacky bastard that was accused of perpetrating this hoax was accused of about a dozen similar incidents. The jury found him innocent on the grounds that they were all perverts themselves, while the scumbag fiancé was convicted of sodomy (the girl apparently fellated him in accordance with the pseudo-cop's wishes). The entire event was caught on a McSecurity camera.
Under no circumstances should any member of McDonald's management or staff conduct a strip search of any employee or customer's person. No legitimate law enforcement agency would ever ask you to conduct such searches. If someone claiming to be a law enforcement official requests that a manager or employee conduct a strip search, try to obtain the name and phone number of the caller and immediately call your local police department to report the incident. Contact your owner/operator or security manager about the incident as soon as possible.-McDonald's Operations and Training Manual: November 2001
rock.
m$
It always strikes me as odd how some news stories, even though they are covered by major news organizations, seemingly slip through the cracks. I was recently reading an update about a pair of coast guard divers that died in the arctic this past year. So from what it seems, the AP informs us of a fuzzy partial picture involving what can only be termed as gross negligence. But abcnews.com introduces a bizarre new aspect into the mix.
Autopsy reports reveal the two were 20 feet below the ice when they suddenly descended to nearly 200 feet in a matter of minutes. It would normally take 30 minutes to reach that depth.The article brings in the big zing with:
After the tragic dive, the families were told by investigators that something pulled the two divers down — but what it was exactly could not be explained.What? How come only abc.com has that in their report? Did they scoop the world or is it a load of crap? Or more importantly, do colossal squids live in the north as well?
You'll forgive my tardiness to this little tidbit of entertainment news. Between Thanksgiving travel, illness and gay animals I've had a pretty full dance card as of late. Anyway, on with the show.
Lindsay Lohan is officially the dregs of humanity. She landed a spot on TIME.com's quote of the day for her LTA (in this case Less Than Adequite) closing in a letter of condolence to Robert Altman's family. According to Reuters (via the Washington Post), Lohan titled her November 21 e-mail "Dead is hard, Life is much easier," a quote she attributes to actor Jack Nicholson. The rambling indictment of America's public education system can be seen here, if you haven't read it yet.
And so I close with a statement to you Mr. President...Sir, it would appear as though at least one child did indeed get left behind.
rock.
m$
So I've been reading about homosexuality in nature, inspired by the recent livescience article and the exhibit Against Nature?, which features photos of animals "playing for the other team". While most of the articles I've encountered pretty much all say the same things there are a few worth noting.
First there are some researchers who believe that Darwin got it wrong when he posed the theory of sexual selection because it made the assumption that all sexual contact was strictly for the purposes of reproduction. This is apparently not true, as monkeys like to masturbate. The researchers claim is that homosexual relationships/behaviors are considered a deviant lifestyle that zoology apparently does not promote. In fact there are even allegations that not only are scientists misattributing homosexual action to things such as displays of dominance, but that the government is deleting recorded incidents of "deviant" sexual actions in nature from documents.
And even if our old pal Chazzy D. got it wrong, his theory has evolved over time (yes, I phrased it that way on purpose...because I live on the summit of Mt. Cleverest) as good science is oft prone to do.
So the only thing we really need to keep in mind is that nature can include all types of sexuality except metro- and retro-, because they're made up and stupid. Hell, they don't even make sense. One suggests banging all things metropolitan and the other implies you wanna do the past, respectively. Whoever coined those terms should be shot in the face with exploding nunchakus. But I suppose I'll leave that for another post.
rock.
m$
Am I lame? Yes-indeedy-do! Look, I still feel a bit of tryptophanian mental atrophy as a result of my gobbler gobblin', so my postin' shall fall under the LTA category today (LTA is an acronym for Less Than Adequate, he said ever so savvily).
As such I leave you with this-a look at what my everyday life is like.
rock.
m$
Reading a piece by John Buccigross over at ESPN's website about the current state of the 2006-'07 NHL season, in terms of team performances. In discussing the current success of the Buffalo Sabres he makes special note of co-captain Chris Drury, saying "...he plays every game like someone kidnapped his entire family and the ransom is winning the faceoff he is about to take."
Is it just me or did Van Damme just realize the storyline for Sudden Death 2?
rock.
m$
As we draw nearer to the American Thanksgiving (our kooky neighbors up north celebrate in friggin’ October…can you believe it, OCTOBER!!! Hilarious.) I just wanted to make public my grievances with this “national holiday”. Now hold on there bubba, don’t think that I’m just like all those other tree-hugging weenies that misspell the word thanatocracy and then include the phrase “regime of death” because they couldn't find the actual definition in the dictionary themselves and were too lazy to process word roots. No, my beef lies with all you loon-balls on the nut wagon that have yet to realize, let alone create the definitive webpage about, the fact that the first Thanksgiving was a sham. That’s right, I said it…a sham!
It disgusts me that if Eugene Smith from Anytown, USA could spend years wading through all the trash about whether or not the moon landing was faked, but if lil’ Euge gets a hankerin’ for the truth about the greatest bamboozling in American history, he just ends up with another rest stop on the information superhighway where the brochures are titled: Not at My Table: The true story of how the Pilgrims murdered the indigenous peoples of America; as opposed to the popular beliefs that everyone exchanged cut-out hand tracings decorated like turkeys in a civil manner. (NOTE: I’m not saying that Not at My Table isn’t a fantastic brochure with wonderful full-color pictures. I love that brochure. As a matter of fact I've given them out to everyone I know...for every Christmas...for the last ten years. And I'll continue to do so until I’m either exiled to Danger Island or forced to watch Danger Island. I’m also well aware of the “regime of death” that was installed on the first day that Columbus first made landfall in the Western Hemisphere, so chill out my little tofurky nibblers.)
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why are you saying this…are you drunk?”. A little. Look, people often ask why I would try to sully the name of such a treasured time of togetherness. It’s simple…I’m a truth teller, I tell the truth. That’s what I do…tell the truth. Truth tellers tell the truth and that’s why they’re called truth tellers. So here’s the truth that I'm telling you. It is delivered in both the coldest and hardest manner possible.
So I came across this article on the BBC website about a news producer who lost his leg covering the war in Iraq. The article focuses on his highly advanced prosthetic foot and how it can provide such advanced mobility it could actually allow soldiers who have lost limbs to be able to return to combat. Being one who enjoys periodically checking in on the latest DARPA projects, (I’m also keeping my eye out on this whole BARDA situation) I decided to take a peek into these super-inventions from the Icelandic prosthetics/orthopedics maker Ossur. And after a little old fashioned perusal, I feel that I can safely state that those are some crackerjack bionics!
First, let me just say that once you get over the eerie background music and occasional bizarre turn of phrase it’s easy to see why this company is being lauded with accolades as technological pioneers. They’ve managed to work with Victhom, a human bionics developer, to basically begin the early stages of making Robocop a reality. Though reanimation is still a ways off, I'd say right now we're on the fast track to achieving Bionic Six status. In fact humankind is currently at a point where osseointegration , or "the science of implanting man-made, load bearing devices directly into the bone, whereby the fixture bonds with the surrounding tissue" is considered old hat. And if you really want to be delightfully creeped-out, then check out Victhom's products listings, particularly under the NeuroBionix heading, where you can see several implants that they’re designing for the future. Yum.
It’s totally wonderful, amazing and terrifying that we live in an age where all this is possible. Huge advances have also been made in the hand/arm area by the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, most recently with Claudia Mitchell. She recently became the world's first "bionic woman", a veritable cyborgian Eve to Jesse Sullivan's Adam. (There's a great Washington Post article that explains how this new process works. You can also take a look at the fine folks in RIC's NECAL program). Reading this stuff I can’t help but be reminded of the performance artist STELARC, an eccentric little chap who makes the declaration that “Bodies are both Zombies and Cyborgs.” But c'mon now...who really hasn't made that deceleration? Continuing on our journey of lateral thought we make our next station stop at Jie-jie, the Chinese baby born with a non-functioning third arm earlier this year (the beginning of man-kind's Goro-esque evolution?). I could go on with all sorts of crazy crap but I feel as though my work is done, save for one last little tidbit that proves what an ass I really am.
Besides bionics and prosthetics, Ossur has made some acquisitions and began to branch out into the world of orthotics. One such example is subsidiary Jerome Medical, a maker of spinal immobilizers, whose signature product is stabilization collar with the delightful moniker Miami J. And while everything I've read about these products is nothing but wonderful and highly effective, I can't help but smile every time I see their Lil' Angel.
rock.
m$
I currently live in DeKalb County, GA (pronounced: Duh-Cab Cownty, Jor-juh). As of this past Monday night 12 people have been killed by the DeKalb County police this year - 11 fatally shot and 1 after being terminally subdued with pepper spray and a baton. In addition, during one of the aforementioned shootouts DCPD Officer Dennis Stepnowski was also shot and killed.
Now I obviously haven't been at any of these calls, nor have I ever taken on the task of subduing an armed person. And to be fair, apparently nine of the 12 killed had guns, 1 was brandishing a machete, 1 was attempting to take an officer's gun, and the other made an "offensive" motion in dim light causing officers to believe he was armed (from an Atlanta Journal-Constitution article published on Wednesday, 11/15). So I'm not going to begin to speculate on whether these decisions were justifiable. Instead I'll offer a few quotes from an ajc article published on Monday, 11/13*.Teddy Lee Johnson, who fled the scene of a domestic incident at which officers were present, was shot 14 times following a chase on I-20.
Holy crap! I don't care what the policy states, if you've got to put 14 bullets into somebody then whatever you're doing is about as far from "maximum stopping effectiveness" as you can get! The article finishes with a reference to DeKalb's Chief Executive Officer Vernon Jones and Interim Police Chief Nick Marinelli.
"If you have to shoot, don't shoot to kill," Johnson said. "Fire at the abdomen. Don't shoot until your weapon is empty."
DeKalb County police policy, like many use-of-force policies around the country, calls for shooting at a suspect's "center mass" to minimize danger to bystanders and "for maximum stopping effectiveness" against the suspect.The Journal-Constitution reported this month that the DeKalb department often imposed little or no disciplinary action and did not adjust its training to address patterns of policy violations in police shootings from 2001 through 2005.
Changing training to emphasize de-escalation techniques? You mean shooting someone 14 times isn't a viable way to defuse a potential situation? What about shouting and throwing lit road flares, is that cool?
The internal review board repeatedly found officers had improperly shot into moving vehicles, confronted suspects without adequate backup and neglected safety procedures for handling suspects in custody.
Marinelli and Jones again said Monday that an outside consultant found DeKalb's force policies meet national standards and that training programs are being changed to implement the consultant's recommendations to emphasize "de-escalation" techniques along with lethal force.
While this is all well and good, anyone who has ever tried to change human behavior patterns before will understand that it's going to take some serious time and effort before the Barker Bill-esque salvo settles down. So in the mean time it seems to me like mayhaps the most prudent action for Chief Nicky would be to consider passing out some bean-bag guns or something.
- - -
* It should be noted that the ajc is psychotically anal about logging in to read archived material, so I'll just post the article titles and let you do the legwork if you want it that badly.
11/13 - DeKalb brass meet with families in police shootings
11/15 - Jones: Put your weapons down
rock.
m$
