As we draw nearer to the American Thanksgiving (our kooky neighbors up north celebrate in friggin’ October…can you believe it, OCTOBER!!! Hilarious.) I just wanted to make public my grievances with this “national holiday”. Now hold on there bubba, don’t think that I’m just like all those other tree-hugging weenies that misspell the word thanatocracy and then include the phrase “regime of death” because they couldn't find the actual definition in the dictionary themselves and were too lazy to process word roots. No, my beef lies with all you loon-balls on the nut wagon that have yet to realize, let alone create the definitive webpage about, the fact that the first Thanksgiving was a sham. That’s right, I said it…a sham!
It disgusts me that if Eugene Smith from Anytown, USA could spend years wading through all the trash about whether or not the moon landing was faked, but if lil’ Euge gets a hankerin’ for the truth about the greatest bamboozling in American history, he just ends up with another rest stop on the information superhighway where the brochures are titled: Not at My Table: The true story of how the Pilgrims murdered the indigenous peoples of America; as opposed to the popular beliefs that everyone exchanged cut-out hand tracings decorated like turkeys in a civil manner. (NOTE: I’m not saying that Not at My Table isn’t a fantastic brochure with wonderful full-color pictures. I love that brochure. As a matter of fact I've given them out to everyone I know...for every Christmas...for the last ten years. And I'll continue to do so until I’m either exiled to Danger Island or forced to watch Danger Island. I’m also well aware of the “regime of death” that was installed on the first day that Columbus first made landfall in the Western Hemisphere, so chill out my little tofurky nibblers.)
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why are you saying this…are you drunk?”. A little. Look, people often ask why I would try to sully the name of such a treasured time of togetherness. It’s simple…I’m a truth teller, I tell the truth. That’s what I do…tell the truth. Truth tellers tell the truth and that’s why they’re called truth tellers. So here’s the truth that I'm telling you. It is delivered in both the coldest and hardest manner possible.
- President Lincoln formally declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863, most likely to drum up a little extra support during a time of war. Think about it, you could either wear a gray coat and hat, or you could get to eat some turkey each year. It’s also rumored that had the war carried into 1866, Honest Abe would have unveiled plans for his Northerners Footballing League, with their inaugural game slated for that very Thanksgiving. TRUE!
- If one were to compare three commonly circulated lithographs (1, 2, 3) of the first thanks giving, one would find a few inconsistencies. First, you’ll notice that bearded old guy is quite prayerful in liths 2 and 3, but in numero uno he’s just chillin’ in the back…and wearing a much more foppish collar! Second, you’ll notice inconsistencies with the lighting. It is only logical to assume that THANKSGIVING IS A SHAM! TRUE!
- Thanks in part to some mathematical calculations, Hannibal Hamlin (Vice-President and noted Chaos theorist) was able to discern that by formally declaring Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of November, Confederate General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson would be killed at the Battle of Chancellorsville. Though it is not known if Hamlin was fully aware of the ramifications of Jackson’s death, it is purported that Stonewall referred to the VP as a “nerd-burger” during the 1860 elections. Apparently Hamlin was never the same again. Thanksgiving was actually a calculated military strategy, and not a commemoration of cornucopias and starched collars. TRUE!
rock.
m$
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