need info? call the jail woman!

topic at hand: a cnn news item

so i read this story, which is a wonderful testament to the brilliance of humanity. but then i got to the end of it and encountered something which i found amazingly odd. it was the line, "A woman who answered the phone at the jail said she did not know if Pike has a lawyer."

a woman who answered the phone at the jail...awesome.

rock.
m$

sore licker

so everytime i see that commercial for nutri-grain bars where people are jamming gigantic donuts around their waists i'm totally repulsed. not by the donuts or even the stupidity of the ad. no, the part that makes me want to die a thousand times is at the very end when the guy jams his finger into his bosses filling hole and scoops out the red goop and then licks it off of his finger.
what the hell!?! did the advertising execs say hey, let's concoct the most horrendous end to an advertisement ever. he sticks his finger into a red, gooey hole on the side of his superior's person, because the donut is representative of where unhealthy breakfast foods end up, in this case this guy's midsection.
so this freak sees a gaping hole in the side of the person standing next to him and his first reaction is to plunge his finger into it. then little jimmy the office peon feels the need to take the tainted, unholy digit, place it in his mouth, and suck the red scum off the appendage in question.
you are what you eat, eh? well, kudos to you kellogg company.

rock.
m$

up shiv creek without a monkey

so here's a little nugget of joy for you to snack on...people get hiv, human immunodeficiency virus. now supposedly hiv came from a monkey, who simply carried it without being affected by it, since primates suffer from siv, simian immunodefiency virus. so the monkey who spawned the viruses mutation temporarily had s/hiv, as in shiv. then he bit some hapless chump who thought that accosting a monkey was a good idea. that means the human race got shivved by a monkey tooth.

that realization makes me the happiest boy in the world.

rock.
m$

exoskeletons & nanopants

so i was reading about performance augmentation today. it used to be exoskeletons were all the rage, but now everyone is all about nanopants. well not necessarily nanopants per se, but nanotechnology; e.g. there is a big push for military clothing/accoutrements to use nanotechnology to shift patterns for better camouflage (so in essence nanopants). but don't you count exoskeltons out. darpa, the defense advanced research projects agency, is still doing all sorts of research on exoskeletons for human performance augmentation (ehpa), not to mention research in areas you didn't know existed. in fact many years ago the government had something called darpanet created, which eventually became the internet. so if you have some time to kill at a computer, or are just interested in seeing how government r&d money is being spent, go check out the different avenues of exploration; it's pretty badass.

rock.
m$

here grandma, memorize this...

sometimes i just find things that make me want to eat my own face. for example there is a webpage that sends telegrams to dead people. yes, that's right, i'll say it again so you don't have to re-read it; there is a webpage that sends telegrams to dead people. here is an excerpt from their webpage...

"For a donation of $5.00 per word (5 word minimum), we can have telegrams
delivered to people who have passed away. This is done with the help of
terminally Ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and
then deliver the telegrams after they have passed away. We call this an "afterlife
telegram".

now supposedly they don't keep your money, they donate it away to charity, or to help pay for the medical bills of the terminally ill person. none the less...doesn't anyone seem to realize how friggin stupid this whole operation is? i'm also a huge fan of the links to drugs on the intro page. way to be tiger, way to be.

then i found this little tidbit of information at newscientist.com today. half of all human languages face extinction in the upcoming century, a saddening fact if you ask me. but i suppose it must be done in order to achieve global unity (refer to the "i have a dream..." posting on 1/29/04).

rock.
m$

superboob

so after watching the game and being up after a night of productivity i managed to check out a still image on ananova.com, as well as obtaining some video footage of the "boob" incident. i don't care what anyone says, that was a lame-ass publicity stunt. watching justin timberlake fumble with the snap of janets boob cup thingy before it malfunctioned and flew off of her chest made me punch my own face. i hope this event ruins their careers, not because they did it, but because it is the dumbest thing that's ever happened at a superbowl halftime show.

not to mention the fact that cbs chose not to air this, which infuriates me infinitely. cbs, between janet, the lack of moveon.org's ad, and your spineless decision not to run the made-for-tv movie about the reagans you've really managed to drop the ball in the last few months. but don't worry, i'm sure they're already working damage control by planning 19 new "csi" spinoffs.

rock.
m$

i have a dream...

on martin luther king jr day i had a realization. with this new push for space exploration we're going to have to consider the possibility of life on other planets. as such we're going to have to start thinking on a global scale, at least in terms of peoples. the idea is that we aren't any particular race, other than human; strength in numbers maybe, or maybe just unity, who knows...the reason is moot.

anyway, in order to promote this i think the only way we can push for a global identity is by coming to terms with atrocities, persecution and the like. now, knowing humanity, the only way i can think to accomplish this is to make people feel like they're getting even, and paying out monetary reperations is pretty much out of the question. so here's the only feasible alternative i could come up with...

step 1) we tally up all of the injustices against people worldwide, but i don't mean on a personal scale. i mean on a secular scale; races, creeds, religions, etc. all get to file a grievance.

step 2) we assign each filing a random number via a supercomputer (all good plans involve supercomputers, you'd be wise to take note of that)

step 3) a lottery takes place, giving us a master list of the order in which these alternative reperations take place.

step 4) wait for aliens. once we find them, then they are persecuted. number one on the reperations lottery gets to go first, if for some reason they cannot complete their intended persecution within a certain time frame they forfit their turn and then number 2 gets a shot.

we keep doing this until we make everyone happy, or our planet is destroyed. none the less, the end result unifies us as a planet.

rock.
m$

an excerpt from the pamphlet of methuselah

...and the Lord spake saying, "Yea I go with thee in all thine travels lest ye shant find your own ass from a hole in the ground." And it was good.

rock.
m$