Bucks Buck Bucks?

So I've been reading about homosexuality in nature, inspired by the recent livescience article and the exhibit Against Nature?, which features photos of animals "playing for the other team". While most of the articles I've encountered pretty much all say the same things there are a few worth noting.

First there are some researchers who believe that Darwin got it wrong when he posed the theory of sexual selection because it made the assumption that all sexual contact was strictly for the purposes of reproduction. This is apparently not true, as monkeys like to masturbate. The researchers claim is that homosexual relationships/behaviors are considered a deviant lifestyle that zoology apparently does not promote. In fact there are even allegations that not only are scientists misattributing homosexual action to things such as displays of dominance, but that the government is deleting recorded incidents of "deviant" sexual actions in nature from documents.

And even if our old pal Chazzy D. got it wrong, his theory has evolved over time (yes, I phrased it that way on purpose...because I live on the summit of Mt. Cleverest) as good science is oft prone to do.

So the only thing we really need to keep in mind is that nature can include all types of sexuality except metro- and retro-, because they're made up and stupid. Hell, they don't even make sense. One suggests banging all things metropolitan and the other implies you wanna do the past, respectively. Whoever coined those terms should be shot in the face with exploding nunchakus. But I suppose I'll leave that for another post.

rock.
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Lameness: Maximal

Am I lame? Yes-indeedy-do! Look, I still feel a bit of tryptophanian mental atrophy as a result of my gobbler gobblin', so my postin' shall fall under the LTA category today (LTA is an acronym for Less Than Adequate, he said ever so savvily).

As such I leave you with this-a look at what my everyday life is like.

rock.
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Terror goes into a 3-on-3 shoot-out

Reading a piece by John Buccigross over at ESPN's website about the current state of the 2006-'07 NHL season, in terms of team performances. In discussing the current success of the Buffalo Sabres he makes special note of co-captain Chris Drury, saying "...he plays every game like someone kidnapped his entire family and the ransom is winning the faceoff he is about to take."

Is it just me or did Van Damme just realize the storyline for Sudden Death 2?

rock.
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Happy Shams-giving, suckers!

As we draw nearer to the American Thanksgiving (our kooky neighbors up north celebrate in friggin’ October…can you believe it, OCTOBER!!! Hilarious.) I just wanted to make public my grievances with this “national holiday”. Now hold on there bubba, don’t think that I’m just like all those other tree-hugging weenies that misspell the word thanatocracy and then include the phrase “regime of death” because they couldn't find the actual definition in the dictionary themselves and were too lazy to process word roots. No, my beef lies with all you loon-balls on the nut wagon that have yet to realize, let alone create the definitive webpage about, the fact that the first Thanksgiving was a sham. That’s right, I said it…a sham!

It disgusts me that if Eugene Smith from Anytown, USA could spend years wading through all the trash about whether or not the moon landing was faked, but if lil’ Euge gets a hankerin’ for the truth about the greatest bamboozling in American history, he just ends up with another rest stop on the information superhighway where the brochures are titled: Not at My Table: The true story of how the Pilgrims murdered the indigenous peoples of America; as opposed to the popular beliefs that everyone exchanged cut-out hand tracings decorated like turkeys in a civil manner. (NOTE: I’m not saying that Not at My Table isn’t a fantastic brochure with wonderful full-color pictures. I love that brochure. As a matter of fact I've given them out to everyone I know...for every Christmas...for the last ten years. And I'll continue to do so until I’m either exiled to Danger Island or forced to watch Danger Island. I’m also well aware of the “regime of death” that was installed on the first day that Columbus first made landfall in the Western Hemisphere, so chill out my little tofurky nibblers.)

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Why are you saying this…are you drunk?”. A little. Look, people often ask why I would try to sully the name of such a treasured time of togetherness. It’s simple…I’m a truth teller, I tell the truth. That’s what I do…tell the truth. Truth tellers tell the truth and that’s why they’re called truth tellers. So here’s the truth that I'm telling you. It is delivered in both the coldest and hardest manner possible.

• President Lincoln formally declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863, most likely to drum up a little extra support during a time of war. Think about it, you could either wear a gray coat and hat, or you could get to eat some turkey each year. It’s also rumored that had the war carried into 1866, Honest Abe would have unveiled plans for his Northerners Footballing League, with their inaugural game slated for that very Thanksgiving. TRUE!

• If one were to compare three commonly circulated lithographs (1, 2, 3) of the first thanks giving, one would find a few inconsistencies. First, you’ll notice that bearded old guy is quite prayerful in liths 2 and 3, but in numero uno he’s just chillin’ in the back…and wearing a much more foppish collar! Second, you’ll notice inconsistencies with the lighting. It is only logical to assume that THANKSGIVING IS A SHAM! TRUE!

• Thanks in part to some mathematical calculations, Hannibal Hamlin (Vice-President and noted Chaos theorist) was able to discern that by formally declaring Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday of November, Confederate General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson would be killed at the Battle of Chancellorsville. Though it is not known if Hamlin was fully aware of the ramifications of Jackson’s death, it is purported that Stonewall referred to the VP as a “nerd-burger” during the 1860 elections. Apparently Hamlin was never the same again. Thanksgiving was actually a calculated military strategy, and not a commemoration of cornucopias and starched collars. TRUE!

And if you still don't believe me, then maybe this will change your mind.

rock.
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Neuronic Bionic Tonic

So I came across this article on the BBC website about a news producer who lost his leg covering the war in Iraq. The article focuses on his highly advanced prosthetic foot and how it can provide such advanced mobility it could actually allow soldiers who have lost limbs to be able to return to combat. Being one who enjoys periodically checking in on the latest DARPA projects, (I’m also keeping my eye out on this whole BARDA situation) I decided to take a peek into these super-inventions from the Icelandic prosthetics/orthopedics maker Ossur. And after a little old fashioned perusal, I feel that I can safely state that those are some crackerjack bionics!

First, let me just say that once you get over the eerie background music and occasional bizarre turn of phrase it’s easy to see why this company is being lauded with accolades as technological pioneers. They’ve managed to work with Victhom, a human bionics developer, to basically begin the early stages of making Robocop a reality. Though reanimation is still a ways off, I'd say right now we're on the fast track to achieving Bionic Six status. In fact humankind is currently at a point where osseointegration , or "the science of implanting man-made, load bearing devices directly into the bone, whereby the fixture bonds with the surrounding tissue" is considered old hat. And if you really want to be delightfully creeped-out, then check out Victhom's products listings, particularly under the NeuroBionix heading, where you can see several implants that they’re designing for the future. Yum.

It’s totally wonderful, amazing and terrifying that we live in an age where all this is possible. Huge advances have also been made in the hand/arm area by the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, most recently with Claudia Mitchell. She recently became the world's first "bionic woman", a veritable cyborgian Eve to Jesse Sullivan's Adam. (There's a great Washington Post article that explains how this new process works. You can also take a look at the fine folks in RIC's NECAL program). Reading this stuff I can’t help but be reminded of the performance artist STELARC, an eccentric little chap who makes the declaration that “Bodies are both Zombies and Cyborgs.” But c'mon now...who really hasn't made that deceleration? Continuing on our journey of lateral thought we make our next station stop at Jie-jie, the Chinese baby born with a non-functioning third arm earlier this year (the beginning of man-kind's Goro-esque evolution?). I could go on with all sorts of crazy crap but I feel as though my work is done, save for one last little tidbit that proves what an ass I really am.

Besides bionics and prosthetics, Ossur has made some acquisitions and began to branch out into the world of orthotics. One such example is subsidiary Jerome Medical, a maker of spinal immobilizers, whose signature product is stabilization collar with the delightful moniker Miami J. And while everything I've read about these products is nothing but wonderful and highly effective, I can't help but smile every time I see their Lil' Angel.

rock.
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Pencil Rainishness

I currently live in DeKalb County, GA (pronounced: Duh-Cab Cownty, Jor-juh). As of this past Monday night 12 people have been killed by the DeKalb County police this year - 11 fatally shot and 1 after being terminally subdued with pepper spray and a baton. In addition, during one of the aforementioned shootouts DCPD Officer Dennis Stepnowski was also shot and killed.
Now I obviously haven't been at any of these calls, nor have I ever taken on the task of subduing an armed person. And to be fair, apparently nine of the 12 killed had guns, 1 was brandishing a machete, 1 was attempting to take an officer's gun, and the other made an "offensive" motion in dim light causing officers to believe he was armed (from an Atlanta Journal-Constitution article published on Wednesday, 11/15). So I'm not going to begin to speculate on whether these decisions were justifiable. Instead I'll offer a few quotes from an ajc article published on Monday, 11/13*.

Teddy Lee Johnson, who fled the scene of a domestic incident at which officers were present, was shot 14 times following a chase on I-20.

"If you have to shoot, don't shoot to kill," Johnson said. "Fire at the abdomen. Don't shoot until your weapon is empty."

DeKalb County police policy, like many use-of-force policies around the country, calls for shooting at a suspect's "center mass" to minimize danger to bystanders and "for maximum stopping effectiveness" against the suspect.

Holy crap! I don't care what the policy states, if you've got to put 14 bullets into somebody then whatever you're doing is about as far from "maximum stopping effectiveness" as you can get! The article finishes with a reference to DeKalb's Chief Executive Officer Vernon Jones and Interim Police Chief Nick Marinelli.

The Journal-Constitution reported this month that the DeKalb department often imposed little or no disciplinary action and did not adjust its training to address patterns of policy violations in police shootings from 2001 through 2005.

The internal review board repeatedly found officers had improperly shot into moving vehicles, confronted suspects without adequate backup and neglected safety procedures for handling suspects in custody.

Marinelli and Jones again said Monday that an outside consultant found DeKalb's force policies meet national standards and that training programs are being changed to implement the consultant's recommendations to emphasize "de-escalation" techniques along with lethal force.

Changing training to emphasize de-escalation techniques? You mean shooting someone 14 times isn't a viable way to defuse a potential situation? What about shouting and throwing lit road flares, is that cool?

While this is all well and good, anyone who has ever tried to change human behavior patterns before will understand that it's going to take some serious time and effort before the Barker Bill-esque salvo settles down. So in the mean time it seems to me like mayhaps the most prudent action for Chief Nicky would be to consider passing out some bean-bag guns or something.

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* It should be noted that the ajc is psychotically anal about logging in to read archived material, so I'll just post the article titles and let you do the legwork if you want it that badly.
11/13 - DeKalb brass meet with families in police shootings
11/15 - Jones: Put your weapons down

rock.
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Damn liberal new-media...

So as I said in my previous post (see 11/14's General Hodgepodgery), I recently saw the movie Jesus Camp. Ever since then I’ve become more curious about the definition of “evangelicals” in present day America. To be honest I was raised in evangelical church – but evangelical in sense of protestant nitpicking (designating European churches that were Lutheran versus those of Calvinist origin). Even still, I do remember periodic updates regarding missionaries in Zambia – so I suppose there was definitely evangelicalism in the "get 'em while they're hot" sense. But I’ve never really been one to thump a bible, or even care to convert anyone...and to be honest my Germanic quibblings extend no further than "Am I really in the mood for a hefeweizen?". But I’m still left with the question at hand: what does modern evangelicalism stand for?

Well, in overly simplified terms there basically seems to be two major modern pushes; centered on global versus local involvement.

• Global Involvement – Bono loving, do-gooders. Big fans of missionary work on continental Africa and pro-family values. More focused on the “do unto others” aspects of Christianity, though still pro-life.

• Local Involvement – Über-conservatives who desire to fix the US, from the top down. They totally hate abortion and homosexuality*. More focused on the vengeful God aspects of Christianity. (Yes I know there is a link to an article written by a self-proclaimed atheist, but I do it out of love for paradoxical juxtapositions!)

And let’s be honest, it’s the locally involved evangelicals that everyone really needs to be aware of, if not concerned about. You see, the thing that hit me the most in that movie was the home-schooling. There are upwards of 2.4 million kids being home-schooled, and 72 percent are done so for religious and moral reasons. Don’t get me wrong - if you don’t like what the schools are teaching, you’ve got every right to yank your kid(s) out, just so long as they’re still getting a well-rounded education and adequate amounts of social interactions to prepare them for adulthood. Now, I have no problem with the idea of home-schooling. I’ll even agree that there are a lot of flaws with the current standard public education model (for more on this read a little John Gatto), and for some people home-schooling does a world of good for their child. My problem lies with the fact that we, as a nation, are allowing anyone, anywhere to pull there child out of any educational institution and be taught at home by parents who needn’t meet a single standard of academic excellence…so long as the basis for their child’s academic withdrawal is religious. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t we be mandating some sort of rigorous baseline that any home-school teacher has to meet, moral dissatisfaction or not?

This leads me to my next startlingly sad revelation; American’s have an incredibly hard time dealing with the idea of evolution…as in only Turkey has a harder time swallowing the idea. I mean seriously people, what the fuck!?!? Not only did we evolve from a similar ancestry as modern chimps (Over 90% gene similarity! Our brains just got badass faster...which is why Planet of the Apes is set in the future), but many believe that we’re still evolving. And they present a pretty convincing argument. I just don't get how people have a hard time buying into Charlie Darwin's radical new ways of thinking. Seriously people...intelligent design? And I've got to tell you, it doesn't help anyone when the gub'ment goes and feeds conspiracy theorists everywhere.

- - -

*On a side note, there was a delightful little exchange on last night’s episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip between Matthew Perry and Sarah Paulson:

SP – What’s wrong with civil unions? And why shouldn’t we-

MP – Because there’s no way to get to the end of that sentence without saying that homosexual love is something less than heterosexual love. And watching you trip all over it makes me want to hit you in the head with Liberace.

The idea of beating someone with Liberace is exactly why I love what Aaron Sorkin does.

rock.
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General Hodgepodgery

Apparently I'm subconsciously taking part in some sort of fusional language freakout... a homoliterally-conjoined informational extravaganza if you will. I've been reading all sorts of stuff from newscientist and newsweek as of late, and along the way I managed to come across a link that triggered some tangental thinkings. So here are a bunch of things that I was going to post earlier but have consistently forgotten about.

First, I just wanted to to give props to my former hallowed halls. I am an alumnus of a school that not only ranked in the global top 50, but is considered to be "a new ivy". Way to be an educational institution.

Second, I saw the film Jesus Camp a few weeks ago and it was amazingly frightening. The movie centers around a group of youth attending Pastor Becky Fischer's summer camp. Also, because of his appearance in the film I felt much more of a connection to the whole Ted Haggard debacle. And by the by, kudos to the ebb and flow of free content and the ever evolving entries at Wikipedia.

rock.
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What?!?!

So I was doing my civic duty as an Atlantan and perusing cnn.com (anything for you Ted) when I came across 2 bits of celebrity news that tickled me pink. First, Faith Hill is a horrible crotch of a human being. Her reaction to losing at the CMAs is sheer perfection. My favorite part is just before she realizes that someone else's name was read...when she is still living in her perfect little bubble of presumption. And if it's any consolation to her, I'd totally give her an award for best recent sore-loser-reaction. Kanye West proved merely to be a half-cocked, egomaniacal twit.

Second, celebrated author Britney Spears and pseudo-musician Kevin Federline are divorcing over irreconcilable differences (mainly he's a douche). First Whitney, and now Britney...it's like -itney women everywhere are undergoing a state of connubial expectoration. The best part about that is he's filing for sole custody of the kids, no doubt for child support money. So to anyone that thinks he's just a brain-dead monkey in expensive clothes...I would say that you forgot the word "scheming".

And so, to the world of celebrity...I salute you.

rock.
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The New Hockey League

Here we are, just over a month into the 2006-07 hockey season and I must say, I couldn't be happier...for several reasons. First, my beloved Sabres are arguably the best team in NHL. Second, Gary Bettman and pals have actually succeeded in getting the higher tempo, lower fighting game they wanted, but this time without sacrificing the actual games. The league was suffering. Hockey fans hated The Bettster, and with good reason. Two labor disputes in 10 years ('94-'95 & '04-'05), TV ratings in the toilet, 3 teams relocating (4 if you count Dallas, although that was really negotiated before G-Bet stepped in) and 4 declaring bankruptcy!

But all that changed after The Great Salary Cap of Aught-Five (well not all that - TV ratings are still crap). But the NHL returned with an assload of new rule changes that would reshape the landscape of professional hockey in North America. No more will you find teams of 250+ pound goons loping around the ice, destroying everything in their path like a pack of bully's at recess (i.e. D2: The Mighty Ducks or the Philadelphia Flyers of the 1970s). Gone are the luberjackian prize fighters let out of the cage to provide a team with the kind of emotional uplift that comes from watching one prove that he is indeed, hell with his fists. Now we see what can only be termed the love child of North American and European hockey...faster, more skilled players and horrible spine-shattering body checks. It's fun and exciting, and because the fights are fewer and farther between, they're SO much sweeter when they happen.

So kudos to you Gar-bear. Also, don't you think it's ironic that a NYC Jew could be compared to a character of Egyptian antiquity...a magical pyre-born eagle, flying the old NHL to Heliopolis in an egg of myrrh.

Go Sabres!

rock.
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Tony the ‘Boner’s kid

Yesterday marked the 152nd birthday of John Philip Sousa, beloved American composer, best known for marches like Stars and Stripes Forever. In this spirit I decided to learn a little bit more about this Paul Bunyan of cavalcade-dom. I headed down to the local bibliothèque to snatch up as many delightful tomes as I could fit into my wheelbarrow. After a brief disagreement with the librarian about the distinct lack of wheelbarrow access to the bulk of the library, and a bloodied lower lip, I returned home to my apartment to spend the day wading hip deep in tales of the Sooze (as his compatriots at Gonzaga College High School called him). I fired up the old Wurlitzer, poured myself a nice tall Patriot’s Cough Syrup (that’s 2 parts moonshine, 1 part molasses; served in a wooden pail) and entered a world of information that blew my mind eight ways from Sunday. The following is just a smattering of the mendacities I became conversant in.

Portugese Man ‘O War
While most people know about Sousa, the little Portuguese-Bavarian scamp who tried to join the circus, few people know that during the 1870s Sousa made the bulk of his living wage through fisticuffsmanship. He is purported to have battled “hobos, laudanum addicts, mental deficients, bears and Irish children” under the moniker John Pugilist Sousa. It was during one of his more storied fights, The Baltimore Bloodletting Ballyhoo, that JPS met Jane van Middlesworth Bellis; a comely young lass he would wed before the end of the decade.

Pseudo-mustachioed
The mustache seen on Sousa after 1886 was in fact a prosthesis! This was the end result of The March King’s early tinkerings with an instrument he dubbed the fluffernutter. In the 1890s J.W. Pepper redesigned and renamed this instrument the sousaphone. The term fluffernutter wasn’t heard again until after the First World War.

Cherry trees and Sousa
On November 14, 1794, George Washington, drunk on his own homemade whiskey, wrote in his ledger “In approximately [sic] sixty years a child [sic] shall be borne unto this great nation [sic]. He shall possess [sic] the gift to tell of our country’s splendors through [sic] the marvels of ballad [sic] and hymn and the citizens [sic] will embrace [sic] him for it. I have seen this in my dreams. I WILL kill this child [sic], if it is the last thing I do.” One month later Washington died of a throat infection, potentially originating from a Bavarian gypsy's curse.

rock.
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Bees

Holy crap can I just tell you...bees rock. There is no particular reason that this comment was spurned, it's just based on general truths. For example, the USDA has got the University of Georgia training bees and then throwing them in a pvc pipe to do drug sniffing for them. How does that not make you just want to get up and freak out, but in a really good way. For some more great bee info check out this or this, or search for bees and other related topics on your local internet machine search engine of choice...not to mention the knowledge repository that is your public library. So go...learn...be happy.

rock.
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i love the internet machine

Sometimes I just love the age in which we live. A time when anyone anywhere can get thier message heard. I have come to realize what is potentially the most amazing website of all times. I came across my man Papa Doc (not to be confused with Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier, the Hatian dicatator) in the back of a newsweekly under the heading VOODOO DOCTOR. Needless to say, after reading the entire website I was in a state of utter disbelief.

In 1997 Papa Doc becomes the first to earn a PhD and Msc.d in spiritual work You may be saying big deal. What can this do for me? My answer is lots. First I want to ask you to imagine your typical image of a spiritual worker or reader. Please use all the stereotypes that come to mind. You may think of a person who is Hispanic or one who we may call a gypsy. This person may live in a trailer or a mobile home. Their waiting room may be their living room. You see their kids playing. The dog wandering through the house depending on the time of day the husband may be home.

That was an excerpt from his Breakthroughs section. If you are even half as enthralled with this as I am...go and read it all. And please, DO NOT FORGET to check out out his catalog. He has many products that allow you to dominate, gain power, and/or seduce.

rock.
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