Six Degrees of Expatriation

So let's take a second and give nod to Matching Tie and Handkerchief by playing a little news-cycle word association football.

Let's start with a random story from our neighbors to the north - Canadian sex toy parties are on the rise! (There's apparently a reason the CFL featured both the Rough Riders and the Roughriders!) From there we launch to another kind of party...the Cuddle Party!

At a Cuddle Party, erections become Mother Nature's way of giving us the thumbs-up sign. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's dirty. Nothing's suspect. And as long as you're not dry humping anyone (Rule #7), it's completely okay. Really.

-cuddleparty.com's FAQ section on erection

It's through cuddleparty.com we quickly make our way to an article on CNN.com about Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) - the site is referenced in the article. The most delightful bit of this piece is a quote from Charles Purdy, an etiquette columnist, who says:

Assuming that one half of the couple isn't leaving for a two-year deep-space mission, I'll say that any PDA beyond the hand-holding, arm-around-the-waist, closed-mouth-kiss type is out of order.

So apparently astronauts at cuddle parties are given a free pass. Nice. This article features a bit about Dicky Gere and his virtual live-sex show when he planted a big fatty on the cheek of Bollywood starlet Shilpa Shetty. Long story short, India flipped out...big time! No slobber-knockin' on the sub-continent...at least in the outdoors. For you see if we venture on a bit we find out that India is a veritable porn-cliche unto themselves. A sultry school marm, or perhaps a latently lustful librarian. It turns out that prudie India is poised to take the reigns as the most populous nation in the world. To quote Kenny O'Dell's Behind Closed Doors

'Cause when we get behind closed doors
Then she lets her hair hang down
And she makes me glad that I'm a man
Oh, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors
Behind closed doors.

Or, to quote Sean Waltman, "Suck it, Chyna[sic]!"

But fear not, dear American readerate, for the US shant be outshined! For as we speak, babies is bustin' out all over Denver - a bi-product of Ol' Man Winter's benumbing tempest which ravaged the mile high metropolis about 9 months ago. Boo-yah! Welcome to Babytown; population: logarithmically exponential! And from this expansion in denizenry through parturition (aka Birth in a Nation), we segue into the newest means by which we fuel the fires of American Plutocracy, I mean Democracy: a new nationalization test! Yay! As a concerned citizen, I also feel that it is my duty to report according to CNN.com's simulated test I could indeed be naturalized if it weren't for my jus soli/sanguinis status. For those of you who found difficulty with this - here are the answers to the tests for becoming an American citizen: both old and new. And here is a crazy banana.

rock.
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